As I settle into this year and begin the third month (my birthday month!), I find myself in an unfamiliar place: a place of abundance. The kind of abundance that comes in the form of money, also known as financial success.
(As I mentioned in my last newsletter, I’m enrolled in Sacred Power: Money Love offered by my friend and colleague Tricia Bolender. Through it, I’m exploring my relationship with money, wealth, abundance and value from an above-the-line feminine and masculine and spiritual perspective…and I’m choosing to celebrate the money wins when I have them as a key part of redefining and nurturing my relationship with money.)
Now, I know I exist in a state of abundance and financial security: I have a safe and solid home, a stable family and supportive relationships, access to healthcare and other supports when I need them, a solid credit history and the privilege that comes with moving through the western world with light skin.
And, three years ago, I quit a $100k+ job, with benefits and a pension, and a whole lotta social capital amassed within a 2500-person organization, to move to an island and become self-employed.
I went from six figures to literally three figures in one year. Oomph.
That was a lot to get my head around, especially as someone who’s fervently feminist and independent and has a lot of non-negotiable (expensive) medical expenses.
I’ve been making my own money since I was a teenager and have always been a good saver. I’m a minimalist consumer and a pro at delayed gratification: I save up to buy the thing (if I buy the thing at all) and typically don’t carry debt, other than our mortgage.
My identity and sense of worth were shaken open when I suddenly had no income and had to rely on my spouse for, well…everything that cost anything.
Money can be a funny thing that we infuse with emotion and meaning beyond what it actually is: a tool. For me, money is tied to freedom and independence and choice and security. Without my own money, those things get smaller or less accessible, and life starts to feel scary and un-fun.
It’s easy to be in a scarcity mindset when culturally, at least in dominant North American culture, the message is more, bigger, shinier, fancier. I’ve rebelled against that for most of my life, and am not motivated by keeping up with the Joneses. I am motivated by being safe and comfortable and prepared, though. And, as a heart-centred, values-driven business owner, making big bucks isn’t my main goal. (Making a difference is!) AND, the reality is, it takes money to live, so my business needs to make money.
Learning to live on shared money, or someone else’s money, rather than my money, was a huge internal shift. During our past couple years on “island time,” my first priority has been parenting — part of the motivation for our move was for me to spend less time at employment outside our home and more time with our child — and secondly, building my coaching and facilitation business. Luckily for me, we designed our move to Vancouver Island so that we could live on one income (my spouse’s), if needed…at least for awhile.
I adjusted my spending big time and took intentional time to make choices about luxuries like new underwear, eating out, and getting my hair cut…things I had taken for granted in my “six figure” life because there would always be another paycheque in two weeks, right? It became a personal challenge to see how little I could spend in a month, and for the past two-and-a-half years I scrimped, invested discerningly in my business and tracked (almost) every penny.
Last year, little by little, income began to come in.
Huzzah! Whenever I received payment from a client, it was cause for quiet celebration, and I began to notice a feeling of pride: I created that money through my service and hard work showing up as who I am as a coach. People trust me to support them AND are willing to give me money in exchange; they find value in working with me. Neat.
In 2020, I could cover my business and (some) medical expenses, but not much else...I was still unable to contribute equally to our mortgage payments, car expenses, utilities, groceries, etc. without racking it up on my credit card. Being unable to be an equal financial partner in our marriage was, is, very uncomfortable territory for me, and carrying consumer debt, even for a month or two, makes me antsy. I don’t like to owe anyone.
The experience has given me lots of new things to be with and suuuure pushes me out of my comfort zone. I’ve had the opportunity for good learning through it all, and am especially feeling gratitude for having an employed spouse who could, can, carry the financial responsibility of our household, and the stress that comes with that. I know a lot of folks aren’t in the same situation and I reflect often on the immense challenges single parents or single and/or underemployed or underpaid people have in supporting themselves and their households. I know I am lucky.
Then suddenly, things kinda clicked this year.
In the first two months of 2021, I have earned nearly half of what I earned in all of 2020, and tripled my typical client load. This feels huge to me.
I’ve been in scarcity mindset for so long (truthfully, even when I had a steady reliable income) that it’s taken me by surprise to receive adequate income (enough to cover my expenses and contribute to our household) for the past two months. One day in February, seven clients paid their invoices on the same day — the money just kept showing up. I was giggling and giddy with glee and disbelief. It was surreal.
There’s a commonly tossed around statistic that says it takes two years for a business to become profitable. Maybe that’s what happening here? I have no idea if this income will continue flowing through the rest of this year and beyond. Maybe it’s an anomaly; maybe it’s the beginning of an upward trend; maybe I’ll be searching for a J.O.B. next month. But, I’m learning to celebrate the money while it’s here, and celebrate the success I’m experiencing while I’m experiencing it.
There’s a voice in my head that says, “Don’t talk about this! It’s not going to last. You’ll jinx it!” And another that says, “It’s self-indulgent and gauche to talk about money and your success.” To those voices, I’m learning to say “Shush.” I pride myself on being someone who creates space for big and difficult conversations, like death and dying. Why not money and financial success, too?
It’s not like I’ve won the lottery and have piles of money to be frivolous or exorbitantly generous with right now. In fact, we just got hit with a roof replacement bill of $18k, and property taxes are going up, and we spent close to $1000 on our puppy last month for vet services, and, and, and. There will always be places for the money that comes in to go out. I’m going to notice it and celebrate it when it comes in, and thank it for creating more ease, security and freedom in our lives when it goes out. I’m going to pay more attention to how I want my relationship with money to be, and do the things that will nurture it.
What’s your relationship with money?
If you’re interested in exploring it, let me know! Or, follow Tricia to find out when her next Sacred Power: Money Love course is running. I’m only two weeks in, and I’ve had major revelations (more to come here, soon!).