My surgery is scheduled for next Tuesday. There is a small but very real risk that I may not wake up from the anesthetic, or there may be other complications that cause me to die on the operating table.
Small, but real.
So, I've thought about how I want to spend my last few days, if that's what they end up being.
Here's my list, in no particular order; I do hope it won't be my last.
- Get my taxes in order. I mean, that stuff is just a royal pain at the best of times, so I don't want to leave a complete mess for Marc to figure out. And, I'll need to get them together anyway and I probably won't feel like it when I'm recovering, so...I'll just do it.
- Love my kid. Spend as much time with her as possible doing ordinary and mundane and magical things. Have breakfast in bed; watch a movie; make a snowperson; throw the ball for Morris; walk in the country; create art; read stories; whisper in the darkness; look at the moon and stars; eat ice cream; laugh and hug and cry and snuggle and watch her sleep. I told her this morning that there is a chance something could go wrong during surgery. "And then I won't have a mom," she said, matter-of-factly. I'll still be your mom, I told her, I just won't be in my body anymore. And you'll be alright, kiddo. You'll have daddy and your aunts and uncles and cousins and friends. "I know mom. Do you need a hug?" This child.
- Finalize my celebration of life plans. Hint: buy or polish up your most fun pair of rubber boots!
- Create videos for my loved ones. Attempt to boil down all the life lessons I want to pass along to Chloe, and parenting and partnership thoughts for Marc, and gratitude for my family and extended family and friends.
- Drink some good wine.
- Give Morris belly rubs and soak up his doggy-goodness.
- Sit in the sunlight and the moonlight and wonder at the magic and chaos and randomness of it all.
- Connect with Marc and say the things that need to be said. Reminisce about the amazing life we've built and shared.
- Make soup. Red lentil coconut. Italian peasant. Miso ginger noodle with crisp winter vegetables. Then my family will be nourished by my love, and if I survive, I'll have lots of healthy food for recovery. Win win.
- Listen to all my favourite songs. Like this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this.
- Deliver Chloe to her grandparents' to have a sleepover with her cousins. Hug and kiss her more. Never let go.
- Drop the dog off at the kennel.
- Drive to the hospital.
- Count backwards from 10...9...8...
See you on the flipside!
With love and light,